One of the things about me that makes me... well... me is that I have a tendency to say what's on my mind. I try to find a tactful way of doing it (most of the time) and I've gotten much better at it over the years. I've even learned to not say everything out loud. I keep things to myself -- even if I do still think it. That's a survival skill I learned as a kid. I had a lesson in not putting my feelings out there too much. I don't know where I got the phrase from exactly, but I remember when someone would make me upset I'd tell them they hurt my feelings. Unfortunately, as only families can sometimes be, it seemed to not matter too much to some and they'd add insult to my injury. I was three or four at the time and an emotional and expressive kid. From that I learned to keep my feelings to myself and tried to find other ways to express what I felt that wouldn't leave me so open. I could probably do a whole introspective study on myself. Anyway...
The thing is my mouth tends to be, um, freer with my family and those close to me. Hint, hint to those who think I'm quiet or shy. I always have something to say. It's more a matter of whether or not I think it's worth it to say anything. If I evaluate the situation and I think not, I speak not.
Nothing is more freeing to me than to know I can openly share what I'm thinking and feeling with someone. You know how when you ask some people about a situation or their opinion and they start with, "I think..." or "I feel..." Well they're expressing their primary mode of expression. We all have one. I'm not trying to write a paper on the topic or do a lecture, but I mention it because I do both about most stuff. I haven't figured out if I think about it first and then feel or vice versa. I think it depends on what "it" is. I do know that with people sometimes I get a feeling and sometimes, when I don't feel one way or the other right off the bat, I collect information, think about them and then develop a feeling. All of that to determine a level of trust. Obviously I can't be too open with you if I don't trust you. Trust leads to friendships.
We all have friends (at least I hope you do) and some are closer to us than others. I found out the hard way that you have to be careful how you go about labeling them for yourself. My bestest friends are very few in number. They are my family. I can tell them anything and I know they feel safe with me too. And not all of them are women. Actually for most of my life I've had more guy friends than girl firends. Men are more practical and grounded. And being that I'm emotional sometimes, I like to get a different kind of perspective when I need advice. My best Ayo will call me on my crap in a heartbeat! Even before its all the way out of my mouth. I love him for that and he knows it. And he loves me too - and tells me so. It's pretty heartwarming to know that I can tell a person, "I love you" without them freaking out on me. Especially guys. You all know how you are. And don't get me wrong, I've had emotion sharing backfire and lost someone I thought was one of my bests. Being drunk at the time didn't help. Alcohol is evil y'all - too much of it anyway. But even still he's a friend that I love. Not a best, but if he ever needed anything I'd be there. And I think he'd be there for me too, but it's not the same as it was. I think I can tell him that I love him. In fact I have.
So where am I going with all of this? What's my point? Telling someone you love them and meaning it doesn't mean you're IN LOVE with them and it feels nice to be able to share all of who you are with someone. How many of your friends can you tell you love them? And I don't mean in one of those cheesy, "aaawww I love you guys" kind of moments where everyone laughs. I mean the kind where you say it as you get off the phone or they do something nice and you say, "O my goodness! Thank you. You know I love you, don't you." And you know and they know that you really mean it. Can you say it to your family? Love can be an intimidating word because you don't know how the other person is going to take it. It took me a long time to realize that if you can't say it to someone you think you really do love, then you don't love them enough. Don't those who you love deserve to know how you feel? Don't wait until there's a tragedy or even too late. Put it out there.
So the phrase above, the one I titled this entry with, feel free to use it if you need it. Somebody out there needs to know how you feel.
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