Don't Take This the Wrong Way, But I Love You

One of the things about me that makes me... well... me is that I have a tendency to say what's on my mind. I try to find a tactful way of doing it (most of the time) and I've gotten much better at it over the years. I've even learned to not say everything out loud. I keep things to myself -- even if I do still think it. That's a survival skill I learned as a kid. I had a lesson in not putting my feelings out there too much. I don't know where I got the phrase from exactly, but I remember when someone would make me upset I'd tell them they hurt my feelings. Unfortunately, as only families can sometimes be, it seemed to not matter too much to some and they'd add insult to my injury. I was three or four at the time and an emotional and expressive kid. From that I learned to keep my feelings to myself and tried to find other ways to express what I felt that wouldn't leave me so open. I could probably do a whole introspective study on myself. Anyway...

The thing is my mouth tends to be, um, freer with my family and those close to me. Hint, hint to those who think I'm quiet or shy. I always have something to say. It's more a matter of whether or not I think it's worth it to say anything. If I evaluate the situation and I think not, I speak not.

Nothing is more freeing to me than to know I can openly share what I'm thinking and feeling with someone. You know how when you ask some people about a situation or their opinion and they start with, "I think..." or "I feel..." Well they're expressing their primary mode of expression. We all have one. I'm not trying to write a paper on the topic or do a lecture, but I mention it because I do both about most stuff. I haven't figured out if I think about it first and then feel or vice versa. I think it depends on what "it" is. I do know that with people sometimes I get a feeling and sometimes, when I don't feel one way or the other right off the bat, I collect information, think about them and then develop a feeling. All of that to determine a level of trust. Obviously I can't be too open with you if I don't trust you. Trust leads to friendships.

We all have friends (at least I hope you do) and some are closer to us than others. I found out the hard way that you have to be careful how you go about labeling them for yourself. My bestest friends are very few in number. They are my family. I can tell them anything and I know they feel safe with me too. And not all of them are women. Actually for most of my life I've had more guy friends than girl firends. Men are more practical and grounded. And being that I'm emotional sometimes, I like to get a different kind of perspective when I need advice. My best Ayo will call me on my crap in a heartbeat! Even before its all the way out of my mouth. I love him for that and he knows it. And he loves me too - and tells me so. It's pretty heartwarming to know that I can tell a person, "I love you" without them freaking out on me. Especially guys. You all know how you are. And don't get me wrong, I've had emotion sharing backfire and lost someone I thought was one of my bests. Being drunk at the time didn't help. Alcohol is evil y'all - too much of it anyway. But even still he's a friend that I love. Not a best, but if he ever needed anything I'd be there. And I think he'd be there for me too, but it's not the same as it was. I think I can tell him that I love him. In fact I have.

So where am I going with all of this? What's my point? Telling someone you love them and meaning it doesn't mean you're IN LOVE with them and it feels nice to be able to share all of who you are with someone. How many of your friends can you tell you love them? And I don't mean in one of those cheesy, "aaawww I love you guys" kind of moments where everyone laughs. I mean the kind where you say it as you get off the phone or they do something nice and you say, "O my goodness! Thank you. You know I love you, don't you." And you know and they know that you really mean it. Can you say it to your family? Love can be an intimidating word because you don't know how the other person is going to take it. It took me a long time to realize that if you can't say it to someone you think you really do love, then you don't love them enough. Don't those who you love deserve to know how you feel? Don't wait until there's a tragedy or even too late. Put it out there.

So the phrase above, the one I titled this entry with, feel free to use it if you need it. Somebody out there needs to know how you feel.

Lookin for Trouble - A Modern Dime Store Tale (Part I)

He was trouble and I knew it. Before I even picked up the phone I had the feeling I'd be inviting problems in. Nothing was ever simple with him. It never had been in the eighteen years we've known each other; nothing was ever really simple or quite what it seemed to be where he was concerned. Even armed with that knowledge it was like I couldn't help myself. Something compelled me to do it.

I sent the message, half expecting the phone to ring right after I hit "send." It was a misstep and I knew it before the screen cleared. But I was upset and I wanted him to know it. Actually disappointed is a better description of my emotions at the time. I knew I was coming from an emotional place, but I didn't care. Most women are hormonal but the Good Lord saw fit to give me an extra dose. I know I get that way, but it's not something I can control. Anyway, I sent Trouble an invitation to come back into my life. Not that he was actually gone anywhere. He was just laying low, at least that's what I figured. He was never gone.

Then I did what any smart girl would after a slip like that: I turned the phone off. See guys like Trouble won't leave a message. They know they need direct contact to be most affective. They can gauge your mood from the tone of your voice. They can try to charm you in that certain way they have, where they say your name just so or call you by your childhood nickname. They know it invokes memories of better times and tends to soothe. Trouble knew how to get to me. He also knew his warm southern drawl slipped over my senses like a warm vellux blanket - my favorite kind. A message wouldn't convey what he wanted, so turning off the phone was my best, my only defense. I also left the house so I could clear my head and get my mind off things.

By the time I got home I was feeling better. As I turned my phone back on I felt a bit of trepidation. I was pretty sure he wouldn't leave a voicemail, but maybe he'd sent a text or a pic. He was good for that one too. He'd send a picture with some cute, sweet song attached. I was growing immune to that, but still it was cute and might take my temper down a notch. So far though I was in the clear. No messages.

The Eyes Have It

It absolutely... captivates me to look across and notice that a man has long beautiful eyelashes. I'm very much into looking into someone's eyes. They tell you a lot; you can read emotions, see sincerity or jest... I firmly believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul. And so when those eyes are framed by wispy, luxurious, curly long eyelashes I'm almost transfixed. I can't help it. I openly stare directly into the person's eyes. Well... depending on what I see in his eyes. Sometimes you have to just look away.

I was at lunch the other day with a friend when I took note of his eyes. Attempting to hide behind the rim of his glasses where these gorgeous lashes. I may have made him a little uncomfortable as I sat there staring while he spoke. But it was all I could do to not just stop him and say, "You know, you have beautiful eyes." I didn't want to come off like an outright flirt so I kept it in. My eyes may have given me away though. Those who know me well know that my emotions generally live all over my face or are at least very close to the surface. They can't always read them, but they know they're there.

Anyway, back to my topic... My brother is one of those with pretty eyes. He always had long eyelashes and I remember when we were little I wished I had lashes like his. Some women have naturally long lashes too but I barely even notice. Especially with all we tend to do to ourselves nowadays who would? We add, subtract, enhance chemically... But men -- their eyes are unaltered (for the most part). What's there, in their eyes, it came from God.

So I'm staring at this man's eyes (and I know that's what I'm doing) but I really couldn't help myself. I wondered how it was that I hadn't noticed before. I realized it was situational. And of course there's more to attraction than just someone's eyes. I had to have a reason to pay attention in the first place. But I'm telling you now, I just might have to tell him about his eyes the next time I see him.

BREAKTHROUGH!

I'm so proud of myself! I can actually see myself growing and maturing. And letting go of some of my negative -isms.

I know I have a control issue... and a "have to know" issue. And they're tied to a trust issue that stems from past hurts and disappointments. They say knowing is half the battle so I'm on my way. Probably even a step better than that.

This weekend I stepped out on faith. I let things go. I didn't do... anything. I just trusted. It was really hard. I can't tell you the number of times I looked at my phone, how many questions went through my mind. But I know that ultimately I'm not in control anyway. God is. And He's never let me down. And He always takes care of me, better than I could ever do for myself.

So now I'm in uncharted waters. I kind of don't know what to do now. I usually do something: make a call, ask a question, send a text. But at this point, I can't really do anything. I don't want to mess anything up. I know God's got it. And as uncomfortable as it may feel at times, I just have to work on letting go so I can watch Him work. I can do this. I sort of have to. It's the way the best things have always happened for me.

Give it to God and let it go!

Floodin!

Ok I have a thing. Something that annoys me to no end is when short people wear pants that are too short for them. I mean really? How does this even happen?

Maybe since I'm tall I have a sensitivity in this area. I always have to go on a hunt to find pants that are long enough. Shopping for long length pants is truly a pain because most stores don't carry them in stock. You have to order them or find one of the few places that realizes women can grow to be over 5'7". And then there the times you hunt and hope that something will fit right because it "looks long enough." And I'm also very conscious of what happens when I wash things. When my pants start to hit mid-ankle before I even get my shoes on, it might be time to stop wearing them. It's a thing I've developed over time and notice in others.

So enlighten me, shorter folks, how it is you end up with pants that flood? I'm talking primarily to those of you who are 5'4 and under. Maybe even 5'5ers. Maybe it's just my assumption, but aren't your pants usually too long? I hear complaints from my coworker, my relatives... everything has to be tailored or hemmed. How can something be too short for you?

This morning I saw a lady on campus wearing floods with sneakers and it caught my attention as I was walking behind her. I could see a whole lot of sock as we strolled along and it really bothered me. Her pants weren't short enough to be capris. I admit I was staring at the bottom of her pants and that's when I saw it. The hem line had to be at least three inches from the bottom! 3 whole inches! I kid you not. You know how when you have something and you iron it sometimes you can see that line, especially on colored pants you may have had a while? It was like that. She can let those hems out and be out of violation.

Now mind you, I can't pretend that I've never worn pants that where a little bit too short. At least when I do, I know to camouflage it by wearing sandals or flats. That way people can't really tell if they're supposed to be that way or not. Sometimes, if I really like a pair of pants I'll do that. I have one pair I'm like that with right now. And they do not come to work. They're for casual kicking around. This lady I saw today was on her way to the office. Yes I know because I've seen her before. So maybe one of you can help me out and tell me how someone who's short finds herself in this type of situation. It just confuddles me.

Honey in My Coffee

Today I had coffee with honey. Now typically I'm not a big coffee drinker. As a matter of fact my mom says I like a little coffee in my milk. That's true enough. I'm like my gra'ma in that respect. But today it was cold and we have free coffee in our breakroom. I thought I'd try sweetening it with honey since someone mentioned it in a conversation recently. I'm also making an attempt at being healthier so this was a good opportunity. Honey's better for you than white sugar.

I've been in an experimental phase when it comes to food. I've been trying new things - veggies, recipes, etc. A couple months ago I taught myself to make brussel sprouts and artichokes for the first time. Actually, I that was the first time I'd eaten them too. My mom didn't cook stuff she didn't like so now that I'm grown I'm curious about some of this stuff.

My best always says Americans focus too much on food. I'll admit that I love food. There is nothing a good, homemade chocolate chip cookie with pecans can't help make better. And I get super excited when I find a new "favorite" spot. And I never miss a chance to watch the Food Network. Ok so I'm an American. *cheesy smile* He still loves me and understands when I tell him about something good I just had or a recipe I just tried. haha

For lunch with my coffee I also had tuna salad. It was almost typical: tuna, mayo and relish. But I also added another ingredient - pickled beets! I LOVE pickled beets! I used to eat them all the time at my gra'ma's house when I was a kid. Now I eat them right out of the jar at home. So when I was pulling everything out of the fridge and saw the jar sitting there I thought, "Hmmmm..... I bet that would taste really good." And it did. I just cut them up and mixed them in. Everything turned a pretty pinkish color. That may be another one of my signature items. I promise I'll open a fresh jar if I'm sharing though.

So back to my coffee. It was really good! Of course it had my usual load of cream and some water added, but the flavor of the honey came through. It left a nice taste on my tongue and it wasn't overly sweet like it can be sometimes when I use regular sugar. I'm really quite pleased with this latest find. Thanks Adley!

I'm Back!

FINALLY! Here I am back on my blog. I must admit that it wasn't my intention to be away so long and I apologize to my reader(s). I started off taking a little time to work through some issues that I didn't think I wanted to write about. I kind of wanted this to be a witty, mainly observational kind of place and at the time I would have been writing from a very emotional place. I've since realized that many times, that's exactly where I am though, so I should be open to sharing that piece of me as well.

So now I have a lot of stuff to catch up on. I actually have a few things on my mind so I'll do a sort of back and forth from current stuff to things I alluded to previously. I think that way I have a balance for myself.