Thank You for My Present!

I sat for a while trying to come up with a title for this entry, something that would pique everyone's interest and they'd read it and they'd comment (or not) but they'd know where I was right now, and maybe even be inspired to look at themselves or just be nice to someone else cuz you never know where they are or what they're going through. But you know what, now as I sit here typing I've realized that this is an expression of my excitement for myself and those who really do care and for God!

Recently I've been really looking at where I am in my life and you know what, I'm SO blessed. Just one year ago at this date I was in a really different place - emotionally and physically. My heart was broken, I was about to have surgery, I'd just started my thesis so I was CRAZY stressed and I was praying a lot, but not the way I am now. Not to mention the sorority stuff I was dealing with! I was overwhelmed and swamped and I didn't even have time to really process where I was with myself. I was basically taking things as they came. I was a firefighter, taking out emergencies as they arose and not doing much else. I wasn't really happy, too busy to be sad. I was a mess.

Today I sit here so filled with joy! Just the thought of what I've come through makes me smile. I decided last year that some of the stuff I missed out on while I was under my cloud I would try to do this year. First thing, I went to the Lake Tahoe with my church and it was FABULOUS! I had so much fun. I met so many people! It still hadn't really dawned on me to take my look back and assess myself though (I like to do that every now and then), but I was so grateful I got to go. Then I was talking to a friend about just whatever. Some of the things that came up sparked my memory to the emotions I felt at that time and some of the things I've come through and I realized how far away from that I was. Then the other day I noticed the date. It was almost 10/10. That's the date I had surgery last year. I'll just say emotionally that was a trial for me. It wasn't a smooth, cut and dry situation and it actually gained more significance for me than I would have expected. Not to get into all of that, but you never know how things will affect you.

Anyway, some of the things I missed out on because of my surgery are coming around this year and I'm so excited to go and participate. To just be out there without concern or restriction. Realizing this made me so much more cognizant of how different my life is right now, today. And it's not anything I did for myself. I give all the credit to whom it is due - God. Life gets scary and difficult and He gets us through it all. I'm so much stronger in Christ, in my physical body, in my mental and emotional self. I'm inspired to do so much more for myself and others. I can't help but smile when I think about it. This week I'm determined to be out and about. I'm going to a play, a sorority meeting, a football game and tailgate (maybe a couple), a concert and whatever else I can find to do. You're welcomed to come with me. But even if nobody does, I'm celebrating this weekend.

To all you who've prayed for me, dealt with my moodiness, cheered me on, cheered me up, or just happened to be friendly and didn't think anything of it - THANK YOU!!! You never know what someone needs, you never know where they are. I'm not one who puts my feelings out there, especially when I'm down. That's just the way I am. But you were there and helped me get through it, even though you didn't know. Or maybe you did.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.

Lookin For Trouble (Part II)

It had been a few days and I still hadn't heard from Trouble, which kind of bothered me. Maybe his phone was turned off again or maybe he found himself some trouble. Nah... he was too smart for that. Besides, if he'd really gotten into anything or something was really wrong he'd get word to me. I was sure of that. Maybe, after all this time he'd actually felt a sense of shame for what he'd done. Lord knows he'd done enough dirt in his life for it to finally get to his conscience. The thing is he always says he loves me. I know it's true. The problem is he doesn't know what to do after that. I'm a different kind of woman than what he's used to. I have my own place, my own car and my own money so I'm not impressed by his. Truth be told I have a bit more than him so I think he sometimes wonders what it is I see in him that makes me bother at all. Sometimes I wonder too. I think it's the easy comfortableness when he's around. He's not bad looking either - 6'4 with chocolate brown skin and hazel eyes... And fire. Gotta be careful with fire like that though because it burns.

But even still, I knew better than to go out looking for Trouble. He always came to find me. That's how things worked. His world was totally different than mine, but they always managed to intersect at different points. It didn't take long and didn't catch me too much off guard when the knock on my door came from him. Standing on the other side, he smiled a mile wide when I opened the door. "Hey Sweetheart," he drawled in that slow Texas way. "Good morning, " I said, standing there looking up at him with an eye of inspection and condemnation, my hand on my hip for emphasis.

"I'm sorry," he started, "can we talk about this inside?"

I hesitated for a moment, even though we both knew I was going to let him in. Standing there I watched for his eyes to change, to indicate he knew I was serious and he was too. "Sweetheart I'm really sorry, " he said again. I moved to let him in.

"Have you had breakfast yet?" he asked as he moved towards my kitchen. I replied that I hadn't, following him with my arms folded across my chest, annoyed that he was going to try and distract us from the conversation we needed to have. I watched as he pulled out skillets and pots. He was so comfortable there in my house. I couldn't believe his confidence. Or maybe it was arrogance. It was time I called a spade a spade. As he stood whipping up scrambled eggs I started in, "Where have you been Trouble?"

"Babe can we do this later? Like after we eat?"

"Trouble..."

He interrupted, "Baby look, I know you're hungry. I am too. We will talk about this, I promise you." I just stared at him, wondering why I was gonna let him win this. But I was hungry and he was already cooking. I sighed in resignation and he added, "besides, you'll argue better on a full stomach." Then he winked at me and I couldn't help but shake my head and smile. I walked away to let him finish cooking and went back to what I was doing before he decided to show up.

Don't Take This the Wrong Way, But I Love You

One of the things about me that makes me... well... me is that I have a tendency to say what's on my mind. I try to find a tactful way of doing it (most of the time) and I've gotten much better at it over the years. I've even learned to not say everything out loud. I keep things to myself -- even if I do still think it. That's a survival skill I learned as a kid. I had a lesson in not putting my feelings out there too much. I don't know where I got the phrase from exactly, but I remember when someone would make me upset I'd tell them they hurt my feelings. Unfortunately, as only families can sometimes be, it seemed to not matter too much to some and they'd add insult to my injury. I was three or four at the time and an emotional and expressive kid. From that I learned to keep my feelings to myself and tried to find other ways to express what I felt that wouldn't leave me so open. I could probably do a whole introspective study on myself. Anyway...

The thing is my mouth tends to be, um, freer with my family and those close to me. Hint, hint to those who think I'm quiet or shy. I always have something to say. It's more a matter of whether or not I think it's worth it to say anything. If I evaluate the situation and I think not, I speak not.

Nothing is more freeing to me than to know I can openly share what I'm thinking and feeling with someone. You know how when you ask some people about a situation or their opinion and they start with, "I think..." or "I feel..." Well they're expressing their primary mode of expression. We all have one. I'm not trying to write a paper on the topic or do a lecture, but I mention it because I do both about most stuff. I haven't figured out if I think about it first and then feel or vice versa. I think it depends on what "it" is. I do know that with people sometimes I get a feeling and sometimes, when I don't feel one way or the other right off the bat, I collect information, think about them and then develop a feeling. All of that to determine a level of trust. Obviously I can't be too open with you if I don't trust you. Trust leads to friendships.

We all have friends (at least I hope you do) and some are closer to us than others. I found out the hard way that you have to be careful how you go about labeling them for yourself. My bestest friends are very few in number. They are my family. I can tell them anything and I know they feel safe with me too. And not all of them are women. Actually for most of my life I've had more guy friends than girl firends. Men are more practical and grounded. And being that I'm emotional sometimes, I like to get a different kind of perspective when I need advice. My best Ayo will call me on my crap in a heartbeat! Even before its all the way out of my mouth. I love him for that and he knows it. And he loves me too - and tells me so. It's pretty heartwarming to know that I can tell a person, "I love you" without them freaking out on me. Especially guys. You all know how you are. And don't get me wrong, I've had emotion sharing backfire and lost someone I thought was one of my bests. Being drunk at the time didn't help. Alcohol is evil y'all - too much of it anyway. But even still he's a friend that I love. Not a best, but if he ever needed anything I'd be there. And I think he'd be there for me too, but it's not the same as it was. I think I can tell him that I love him. In fact I have.

So where am I going with all of this? What's my point? Telling someone you love them and meaning it doesn't mean you're IN LOVE with them and it feels nice to be able to share all of who you are with someone. How many of your friends can you tell you love them? And I don't mean in one of those cheesy, "aaawww I love you guys" kind of moments where everyone laughs. I mean the kind where you say it as you get off the phone or they do something nice and you say, "O my goodness! Thank you. You know I love you, don't you." And you know and they know that you really mean it. Can you say it to your family? Love can be an intimidating word because you don't know how the other person is going to take it. It took me a long time to realize that if you can't say it to someone you think you really do love, then you don't love them enough. Don't those who you love deserve to know how you feel? Don't wait until there's a tragedy or even too late. Put it out there.

So the phrase above, the one I titled this entry with, feel free to use it if you need it. Somebody out there needs to know how you feel.

Lookin for Trouble - A Modern Dime Store Tale (Part I)

He was trouble and I knew it. Before I even picked up the phone I had the feeling I'd be inviting problems in. Nothing was ever simple with him. It never had been in the eighteen years we've known each other; nothing was ever really simple or quite what it seemed to be where he was concerned. Even armed with that knowledge it was like I couldn't help myself. Something compelled me to do it.

I sent the message, half expecting the phone to ring right after I hit "send." It was a misstep and I knew it before the screen cleared. But I was upset and I wanted him to know it. Actually disappointed is a better description of my emotions at the time. I knew I was coming from an emotional place, but I didn't care. Most women are hormonal but the Good Lord saw fit to give me an extra dose. I know I get that way, but it's not something I can control. Anyway, I sent Trouble an invitation to come back into my life. Not that he was actually gone anywhere. He was just laying low, at least that's what I figured. He was never gone.

Then I did what any smart girl would after a slip like that: I turned the phone off. See guys like Trouble won't leave a message. They know they need direct contact to be most affective. They can gauge your mood from the tone of your voice. They can try to charm you in that certain way they have, where they say your name just so or call you by your childhood nickname. They know it invokes memories of better times and tends to soothe. Trouble knew how to get to me. He also knew his warm southern drawl slipped over my senses like a warm vellux blanket - my favorite kind. A message wouldn't convey what he wanted, so turning off the phone was my best, my only defense. I also left the house so I could clear my head and get my mind off things.

By the time I got home I was feeling better. As I turned my phone back on I felt a bit of trepidation. I was pretty sure he wouldn't leave a voicemail, but maybe he'd sent a text or a pic. He was good for that one too. He'd send a picture with some cute, sweet song attached. I was growing immune to that, but still it was cute and might take my temper down a notch. So far though I was in the clear. No messages.

The Eyes Have It

It absolutely... captivates me to look across and notice that a man has long beautiful eyelashes. I'm very much into looking into someone's eyes. They tell you a lot; you can read emotions, see sincerity or jest... I firmly believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul. And so when those eyes are framed by wispy, luxurious, curly long eyelashes I'm almost transfixed. I can't help it. I openly stare directly into the person's eyes. Well... depending on what I see in his eyes. Sometimes you have to just look away.

I was at lunch the other day with a friend when I took note of his eyes. Attempting to hide behind the rim of his glasses where these gorgeous lashes. I may have made him a little uncomfortable as I sat there staring while he spoke. But it was all I could do to not just stop him and say, "You know, you have beautiful eyes." I didn't want to come off like an outright flirt so I kept it in. My eyes may have given me away though. Those who know me well know that my emotions generally live all over my face or are at least very close to the surface. They can't always read them, but they know they're there.

Anyway, back to my topic... My brother is one of those with pretty eyes. He always had long eyelashes and I remember when we were little I wished I had lashes like his. Some women have naturally long lashes too but I barely even notice. Especially with all we tend to do to ourselves nowadays who would? We add, subtract, enhance chemically... But men -- their eyes are unaltered (for the most part). What's there, in their eyes, it came from God.

So I'm staring at this man's eyes (and I know that's what I'm doing) but I really couldn't help myself. I wondered how it was that I hadn't noticed before. I realized it was situational. And of course there's more to attraction than just someone's eyes. I had to have a reason to pay attention in the first place. But I'm telling you now, I just might have to tell him about his eyes the next time I see him.

BREAKTHROUGH!

I'm so proud of myself! I can actually see myself growing and maturing. And letting go of some of my negative -isms.

I know I have a control issue... and a "have to know" issue. And they're tied to a trust issue that stems from past hurts and disappointments. They say knowing is half the battle so I'm on my way. Probably even a step better than that.

This weekend I stepped out on faith. I let things go. I didn't do... anything. I just trusted. It was really hard. I can't tell you the number of times I looked at my phone, how many questions went through my mind. But I know that ultimately I'm not in control anyway. God is. And He's never let me down. And He always takes care of me, better than I could ever do for myself.

So now I'm in uncharted waters. I kind of don't know what to do now. I usually do something: make a call, ask a question, send a text. But at this point, I can't really do anything. I don't want to mess anything up. I know God's got it. And as uncomfortable as it may feel at times, I just have to work on letting go so I can watch Him work. I can do this. I sort of have to. It's the way the best things have always happened for me.

Give it to God and let it go!

Floodin!

Ok I have a thing. Something that annoys me to no end is when short people wear pants that are too short for them. I mean really? How does this even happen?

Maybe since I'm tall I have a sensitivity in this area. I always have to go on a hunt to find pants that are long enough. Shopping for long length pants is truly a pain because most stores don't carry them in stock. You have to order them or find one of the few places that realizes women can grow to be over 5'7". And then there the times you hunt and hope that something will fit right because it "looks long enough." And I'm also very conscious of what happens when I wash things. When my pants start to hit mid-ankle before I even get my shoes on, it might be time to stop wearing them. It's a thing I've developed over time and notice in others.

So enlighten me, shorter folks, how it is you end up with pants that flood? I'm talking primarily to those of you who are 5'4 and under. Maybe even 5'5ers. Maybe it's just my assumption, but aren't your pants usually too long? I hear complaints from my coworker, my relatives... everything has to be tailored or hemmed. How can something be too short for you?

This morning I saw a lady on campus wearing floods with sneakers and it caught my attention as I was walking behind her. I could see a whole lot of sock as we strolled along and it really bothered me. Her pants weren't short enough to be capris. I admit I was staring at the bottom of her pants and that's when I saw it. The hem line had to be at least three inches from the bottom! 3 whole inches! I kid you not. You know how when you have something and you iron it sometimes you can see that line, especially on colored pants you may have had a while? It was like that. She can let those hems out and be out of violation.

Now mind you, I can't pretend that I've never worn pants that where a little bit too short. At least when I do, I know to camouflage it by wearing sandals or flats. That way people can't really tell if they're supposed to be that way or not. Sometimes, if I really like a pair of pants I'll do that. I have one pair I'm like that with right now. And they do not come to work. They're for casual kicking around. This lady I saw today was on her way to the office. Yes I know because I've seen her before. So maybe one of you can help me out and tell me how someone who's short finds herself in this type of situation. It just confuddles me.